Why is screen time such a guilt-ridden topic?
Let’s unpack it. When parents and caregivers feel guilty or responsible for their children’s overuse of screens, not only does it diminish their confidence as parents, but it disempowers
them to find a solution. Guilt may also be unintentionally imposed by professionals who help parents working to give children what they need to thrive.
According to a 2019 survey* of new and expectant moms, confusion over screen time
guidelines and how to best implement them induced guilt. And most moms in the report
admitted to some degree of guilt over their own screen usage.
What is guilt and why is it toxic to screen time conversations? Guilt implies that we’ve
committed some kind of offense, that we’ve done something wrong. Guilt over screen time
makes us feel weary and helpless and less likely to come up with a solution that’s suited to
our family. Through our work we are here to help families unravel the confusion and
consider framing the matter differently. For those of us who work with families, we are here
to help them come up with their own methods based on what values are important to their
specific family.
Caroline hired me to work with their family of four to understand the best screen time rules
for them. Her husband worked from home even before the pandemic. Caroline has a
chiropractic practice also attached to their home. “If I turn off [the kids’] screens, I’m
constantly interrupted by Emily, she’s 6, and Austin, he’s 4. I send them to Chris when I
have clients. Sometimes it works, but he can’t always work around my schedule either. I
know we should have them [screens] off, but once I start getting stressed, they seem like
the best solution.” Emily had an ADHD diagnosis. Austin was precocious and active.
“There are no shoulds here,” I explained to Caroline. “What are some things you would love
to do with the kids on a daily basis?” She mentioned eat dinner together, calling her
parents on Zoom, and taking a walk after dinner. They hadn’t had family dinners in months.
They came up with their own plan to use daytime screen time, including school screen
time, while Caroline was seeing clients (monitored by Chris). Then in the evenings, they
had screen-free dinners, Chris got more work done during the grandparents’ Zoom, and
then they took a walk together or played a board game before bed. The lower screen
lifestyle supported Emily’s ability to focus. Eventually she was able to help her mom at work
by organizing and handing items to her, making her feel useful, capable, and competent.
When I went back after they’d tried it for a month, Emily poured me some pretend tea and
asked if I would like a slice of pizza. She was a different child, in that way that makes
parents breathe easy and see the fruits of their efforts.
Ditching the guilt doesn’t mean giving up.
You may recall early in the pandemic the rash of articles telling parents they didn’t have to
feel guilty or worried about screen time anymore. It was a collective throwing up of hands to
relieve the pressure felt when school, work, and socializing moved to screens. The
philosophies were touted as the “new normal.” Those of us in screen time work (thanks for
your calls at the time) wondered if these psychologists and journalists suffered from
amnesia. Did the science all of a sudden change? Yes, we needed to let up some. But
removing guilt does not mean removing vigilance.
Here's how to remove guilt from the parent screen time education conversation:
1. Make sure parents and caregivers know you’re not anti-tech. It can be so easy for us to
come off as purists who only support nature, play, and play dough.
2. Realize that likely half the guilt parents feel is about their own device use around the
children. Compartmentalizing will let adults enjoy their screens while also have the
actual face time that the children crave. For parents concerned about their own use,
there are digital wellness tools and mindfulness exercises that can help them regain
control.
3. Briefly explain the business model that keeps us all hooked. It’s so easy for parents to
blame themselves when children are unable to detach from their devices. “I set
expectations and they keep pushing the envelope,” is a phrase I hear all the time.
“Pushing the envelope” implies that a child is trying to defy their parents, when in fact
they are victims of sophisticated persuasive design techniques built to keep each
child’s attention on the device.
4. Ask and listen: eventually the dialogue will get past worry and guilt to what everyone
really wants – time together.
We will never get our message across to parents and caregivers until we understand and
remove guilt. The tide is shifting as more and more families and pediatricians examine the
impact. Creating action plans that feel nonjudgmental and tailored to family needs is better
than laying down the law!
*The Genius of Play. When it Comes to Screen Time, Parents are Just as Guilty as Their Children. PR Newswire. October 21, 2019.